“24” season plot generator
As the season opens, we learn Jack Bauer has spent the last two years
a. at a government desk job, dating the daughter of the head of the agency.
b. being tortured in a foreign prison.
c. undercover in a criminal syndicate.
d. hiding from Chinese extradition in a small town, posing as Joe the plumber.
e. sitting on the couch, eating junk food and watching old 24 episodes on Netflix.
In keeping with the show’s progressive nature, we learn the President of the U.S. is
b. a woman.
c. a midget lesbian Eskimo Scientologist.
Suddenly, we find out that a
a. Middle Eastern
terrorist/splinter group has smuggled
a. a nuclear weapon
b. a biological virus
c. electronic device capable of breaching any firewall
d. technology capable of cloning Sarah Palin
1. Washington, D.C.
2. seven major cities.
4. Fox News headquarters.
Jack is notified of the threat and hooks up with
b. the FBI
c. the NSC
d. Friends of Dorothy
where, while torturing a suspect by
a. cutting off his fingers one by one with garden shears/a cigar clipper,
b. modifying a lamp cord to serve as an electrical shocking device,
c. poking his ears with a ballpoint pen
d. forcing the suspect to watch the entire movie “Mirrors”,
and repeating each of his lines, first whispered, then shouted, the suspect confesses the attack will happen “within the hour”.
Jack then becomes a suspect due to the dimwitted logic of some agency official, escapes custody and goes rogue, at which point there is an all-agency APB, released via Cisco WebEx, to bring him in for prosecution which he must evade while simultaneously figuring out the evil plan with such amazing detail it’s almost as if he’s read ahead in the script. Jack contacts Chloe, who is hindered from helping him because she
a. is being closely watched due to suspicion of helping Jack.
b. has had her high level security clearance revoked for helping Jack.
c. has been placed in custody for helping Jack.
d. has been convicted and is serving a life sentence for helping Jack.
e. has been executed for treason for helping Jack.
f. has a baby.
Shockingly, a familiar face at the agency is actually a spy for the terrorists. After being interrogated by Burke and his nervous-system-inflaming injections, we find out that person is actually innocent, framed by a high ranking official, who is actually the real spy. After the high ranking official is interrogated by Burke and his nervous-system-inflaming injections, we find out he/she was actually undercover, playing along with the enemy to gain intel via Cisco WebEx.
Then we find out the undercover story was just a ruse, and the high ranking official actually is evil, helping the terrorists plan and execute their attack. Then we find the evil official is only helping the terrorists because they’re a misguided patriot and love this country. Then they find the patriot story was just a ruse to cover up all the money he’s making. Then we find out the money was just a cover, they are a hero after all and help Jack stop the attack, dying in the process.
The real leader of the terrorist gang is now revealed, who is
a. Jack’s boss.
b. Jack’s father.
c. Jack’s brother.
d. former President Logan.
After getting building schematics on his PDA via Cisco WebEx, a long, drawn out gunfight ensues with 19 hostiles who, despite having high-powered machine guns, have miraculously bad aim, and Jack ends up picking them all off, then
a. kills the leader by hanging them by a chain in an abandoned industrial warehouse.
b. kills the leader by cutting them open to find a microchip containing names of co-conspirators, which gets damaged later.
c. kills the leader by revenge with several point blank shots to the head after going dark and disabling surveillance cameras and “com”.
d. kills the leader by forcing them to go on a 24 hour drinking binge with Keifer Sutherland.
Jack is now congratulated as a hero by the President, and even though at this point, the news media, government agencies and the musical soundtrack all signal that the threat is over, Jack finds out that the evil nemesis he killed was only a subordinate puppet, and the real person behind “everything that happened today” is actually the same malevolent mastermind who killed President Palmer, Tony Almeida, Michelle Dessler, and Elisha Cutherbert’s career by casting her in “Girl Next Door”.
Jack finds that the true conspiracy goes much deeper, and the real threat is much worse than the initial attack, which was just a diversion for the real terrorist operation, which is
a. to gain control of the entire U.S. and Russian nuclear submarine fleets.
b. melting of the arctic ice caps, causing a global catastrophe.
c. the creation of a black hole that will swallow the Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, and inevitably the entire Universe.
d. technology capable of cloning Sarah Palin.
Jack uses Cisco WebEx to confer with the President, then his agency is taken over by Division while Jack escapes custody and goes undercover in an unsanctioned operation with the real terrorists, and thanks to Cisco WebEx, finds the true big cheese, who turns out to actually work for the real czar, who turns out to actually work for the real head honcho, who turns out to actually work for the real kingpin, who turns out to actually work for a secret society of the five wealthiest people, known as the Pentavrate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret mansion in Colorado known as “The Meadows.”
Jack is found out and is tortured and beaten for hours, electrocuted, dismembered, and decapitated, his body dissolved by acid, but manages to coax a guard close where Jack is able to bite his neck and escape, blood dripping from his mouth in nostalgic reminiscence of “Lost Boys”. Chloe sends building schematics to his PDA via Cisco WebEx, and he finds the organization’s inner sanctum, where to our utter amazement we learn the top dog of the terrorist organization is Tony Almeida, who is still alive.
Tony turns out to be undercover and helps Jack, and though they find the secret cloning lab they are unable to stop the cloning procedure in time, and must face off against an entire vast army of shotgun-toting Sarah Palin clones.
While Tony dies defending Jack, finally, the last clone is destroyed in a splatter of red lipstick, and Jack, now a fugitive, steps out into the dawn, the dawn of a new day, a new day for America and the world, and a potential “24” three-movie deal, “24” McDonalds meal and video game tie-in.